My life has taken a detour

If you were to ask me to name all the roads I drive to get from my home in Wilsonville to my office in Mount Angel, I probably couldn’t do it.

I just know when to turn right and when to turn left. I don’t pay attention to signs. Instead, I am too busy noticing the farmers planting in their fields or that the apples at a roadside fruit stand are ready or the field of sunflowers. There’s a black and white cat that likes to sun bath in a hay loft of a red barn and three elderly men who sit in rickety lawn chairs by a pond to fish. I have watched the hops grow from a few inches tall to stretching over the strings and the vineyards start with a few leaves to being able to see the ripe berries on the vine.  I love seeing how farmers make hay bales – some round, some square.  

Too busy noticing everything around me to look at the signs.

Needless to say I was surprised one morning to learn there was a large, orange detour sign telling me I couldn’t continue on my daily path. Swearing as I made my way on new roads with dips and potholes, I found myself not knowing which way to turn – left or right or go straight. In the distance, I spied Mount Angel Abbey. I knew if I headed in that general direction I would eventually find my way to work. What was most frustrating was the detour added at least 15 minutes to my commute, so I had to find a new way to work.

My life has taken its own detour.

Unexpected,  I guess. Or maybe I was just not looking for the signs.

Maybe there were signs but as I reread my blog I was too busy focusing on the positive and didn’t see the detour sign.

On June 1, my husband asked me for a divorce. We have been separated ever since. He has an apartment and I have a house with the kids. That’s all I will say about the separation.  Going into details or explaining this or that does no good – it’s like a ripping a Band-Aid off again and again and again instead of just letting the wound heal.

I will say it hasn’t been easy and at times I have felt utterly and completely lost. What’s guided me through this is my faith and the wisdom given to me by my mom and dad, grandparents, family, sister, brother and some good friends.
It comes down to this. I didn’t choose this path I am on but it’s where I am at and I have to accept that. I can choose to wallow in self-pity or I can choose to make the best of what I have been given.

I have chosen to run. For me, running is magic. I go really, really slow but it’s just a time to clear my thoughts, figure out my next move and remember to breathe and enjoy what is around me. I have discovered some great running paths near my home that I love to explore and yes, once or twice I have gotten lost but I always find my way home by asking for help.

I am reading  - there are several books on my nightstand - and my biggest stress reliever – besides running - is cleaning. My sister gave this great cleaning spray – Caldrea – which smells wonderful and makes cleaning fun. I even spent an exciting Saturday night cleaning the grout between the kitchen tile with a toothbrush and baking soda after mopping the hardwood floors.  

This is my life. Not what I expected. Not what I planned but it is what it is.

My goal is to show my children yes sometimes life knocks you flat on your ass. And just when you think you can stand up, it comes along and knocks the wind out of you.

That’s when you have a choice.

Just lay there, feeling sorry for yourself and feeling things aren’t fair.

Or get up, decide what you want in life and find a way to get it.

My goals are to be happy and healthy. To always remember that just because someone is smiling their heart could be aching. To give more than I receive and that little acts of kindness can make a difference. To remember I define who I am – no one else. That sometimes a good book ot movie or song that makes you cry is what you need along with chocolate . Always chocolate.

I am on a new path. But I am not lost.

I will keep running. I will finish my novel. I will run a half marathon this year. I will – and this is my toughest challenge – find a new job. I will be a good role model for my children. I will remember to ask for forgiveness when I fail and to say thank you when I have been blessed. I may miss the signs but I won’t miss the beauty each day brings.

I will remember this is my life. I don’t get to always chose what happens but I have the power to decide how to deal with what comes my way.

I chose grace, humor, chocolate, running, reading and most importantly – my children – always my children. For they are my inspiration and my motivation. They are the reason I chose to be strong, to believe things will get better and to achieve my goals. I chose to love and to forgive.

Today, I was at a coffee shop that I normally don’t frequent. There was a sign by the water jug that read “Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you are riding through the ruts, don’t complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don’t bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality. Wake up and Live,” a quote from Bob Marley.

There are so many roads for me to explore. So much to learn.  I realize there are challenges before me and the road will be rough in places. I accept that. But I also know I can do this. I will find my way.

Here’s to seeing where this detour takes me and what I need to learn along the way.